why i’m a mess today.

6 Oct

I’ve been mean and all-around-crummy today.


I don’t talk much about my parents’ divorce but, today, I’m going to.

I don’t talk about it for a few reasons —

1. I always feel that talking about them, in any sort of harsh way, is disrespectful.

2. At the time that they finally got a divorce, it was better for them to be apart than together.

3. It was a painful time and I don’t want to make anything anymore painful now by talking about it.

But, today, I just want to say, in the simplest way, that it’s not fair.

There should be a word that means: “You are mine forever and I am yours forever. You can’t push me away, and nothing can change how I feel about you. Nothing. You make me happier than sunshine, and that will never change. I delight in you. I understand you, and you understand me, and we are part of each other forever.”

And that word should be “love”.

And there should be an act, a ceremony, a sacred joining together,

And that should be “marriage”.

But my parents changed all that and so, now, even though I don’t want to, when I hear “I love you” I sometimes also hear a soft whisper saying “but one day I might leave you”.

And its not fair.

But when someone leaves you like that, its hard. Just, hard.

It’s scary loving someone else, no matter where you’re coming from.

But its also…amazing and happy and wonderful.

A: I full-on love you. My love for you is the huge, infinite kind of love.

Thank you for loving me back, even when I’m scared.

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