Thinking about Marriage: On Having It All

19 Jul

Actually, scratch that — this post is going to be about bravery.

(I was originally going to write this as a manner of chiming in to the “Having It All” debates going on recently in The Atlantic. And that post is coming, just maybe not today.)

I spend a lot of time thinking that maybe, right now, I’m not a very good investment on A’s part. It sounds silly, but, it comes down to — I don’t know what to be when I grow up. And, what if I’m not good enough?

I’ve spent months and years and weeks churning it over and over, pacing back and forth, making decisions and second guessing them.

I think back on questions I was asked my senior year of college — “Where do you want to be in five years?”.

And my answer: “Happy.”

And you can’t go to grad school for that, and it’s not a career choice.

A has been so patient and supportive through all of it — I ask him about grad school: “What if I choose the wrong thing?”, and he says “You can’t choose the wrong thing. Whatever you go back for, you’ll just be learning more.”

I ask him again, “What should I be when I grow up?” and he says “Hannah, I think you just follow what you enjoy and you find yourself in a career and you keep following it.”

Because he is wise.

Only, I get terrified sometimes following such a long and dark path.

I struggle to define myself, in relation to other people.

But, I’m realizing, that the path really is the goal. I’ve heard that, and I thought I had taken it in, but I hadn’t. I had only heard it, and packed it away, ready to read once the path was over and I had arrived, so that I could read it with nostalgia.

I say things like, “I want to be beautiful, I want to be new, I want to create and contribute and find passion,” but then I get worried, and start planning how to achieve those things instead of just achieving them.

Follow your bliss, and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls.

-Joseph Campbell

Let your life be a painting, let your life be a poem.

So its time to be brave.

I will push and sweat and rip things. I will define myself as Hannah, as beautiful, as grace. I am Hannah, I am beautiful, I am grace.

I am fierce and huge and ready. The beauty is in the becoming.


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