The one in which Hannah starts delving into the abyss.

7 Sep

Eleven thoughts after our first premarital counseling session.

1. I am old and I am sad.

I am 24.

Tomorrow I will start taking the blue and white pills again.

2. I am getting married to the most wonderful man I have ever met.

He is love.

I am love.

3. Everyone in my family is broken.

We were born of brokenness and lived in brokenness.

Yet, I really do love who I am today.

4. I was born during a summer thunderstorm.

My dad took us to church every Sunday, no exceptions. Every Wednesday night, too.

5. When Dad felt like splurging on us

He piled us into a white van and took us to McDonalds.

There was never much money.

6. Right before Mom and He got divorced

I remember standing in the upstairs hallway

before school

asking for lunch money

and Dad cried, angrily wept, and turned his wallet upside down over my hands.

“I’ve given you guys everything.”

he yelled.

7. He and my Mom split up because they never really knew each other.

Everything was covered in the glorious light of God,

but it was fake light, nothing was true.

8. My mom got really sick when I was five and a half.

She laid in bed for two years.

I became the third adult in the family; I helped take care of everything.

9. In our house, there was little honesty.

But once Mom punched a hole in the bathroom wall.

10. One of my bedroom windows opened up overlooking a section of roof.

I wanted to climb out onto it, I wanted to be free.

But everyone in my family was broken; it was my job to fix them.

11. There are a lot of happy memories too, though.

They gave me everything, and they loved me and still love me, I mean really love me.

I am truly lucky, and I truly respect them, and I love them, deeply.


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